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Stella, Memorial Day is coming up! I thought we’d do something special today that has to do with cats.
I’M GETTING A PARADE!
You are not getting a parade.
But I’m a military.
You are NOT a military.
A military that steadfastly defends this house, this yard, this street from the abandoned boat trailer to the north to the stop sign to the south.
That’s not a military, that’s a house cat who occasionally looks out the window.
What about the Cricket War of 2015? The Mailman Espionage Affair of 2016? The Battle of the Front Yard?
Hissing at the neighbor’s cat does not constitute a battle.
A skirmish, then. The Skirmish of 2017, in which Stella Banished Cuddlelump from the Land. Let’s get that on a plaque.
Cuddlelump just walked back across the street to her house. Slowly, I might add.
What about the Cockroach Invasion of 2016? We nearly lost the kitchen.
It was a few roaches I took care of promptly once I became aware of the problem. Let’s move on.
Fine. It’s 2015, and I’m in the hall closet facing down a cricket horde, when —
I mean let’s move on to Memorial Day. I thought we’d remember some cats who helped ACTUAL militaries.
Brothers in arms. I like that. Hit me.
First is Peebles, who served aboard the Royal Navy’s HMS Western Isles in WWII, catching mice and keeping spirits up by performing tricks.
Really? Huh. That’s impressive. Could have used a cat like that in the Battle of the Linen Closet.
And in the Iraq War, a kitty born on a U.S. Army base earned the title Private First Class Hammer by keeping the mess free of mice. He was so beloved he was brought home with his unit to Colorado.
Well done, PFC Hammer. Great to see a military colleague getting looked after.
It is. He suffered through explosions and even survived a mortar attack alongside his unit.
A mortar attack? Wow, what a tough cat. I bet he was a Bengal.
Egyptian Mau, actually.
Who are often mistaken for a Bengals, due to the spots.
This is not about you.
And yet this is MY column. But please continue.
Finally we have Simon, a WWII Royal Navy mouser aboard the Amethyst who received the Dickin Medal after he was injured during an attack on the ship.
A medal? Nice to see a fellow warrior get some official recognition from the top brass. I should have thought of that.
He also became an international celebrity, receiving media coverage and thousands of pieces of fan mail.
A medal AND celebrity? Now we’re getting somewhere.
Where exactly are we getting?
We spin the Cockroach Invasion into a Netflix docuseries. Six episodes. I’ll write up a treatment and you call the Pentagon. I get script approval.
How about we just enjoy Memorial Day celebrating military cats like Simon?
And also those a little closer to home?
Fine. I’ll grill some chicken.
HOOAH. And, by the way, yesterday I noticed the mailman was again poking around the —
For the last time, the mailman isn’t a spy. He’s just our mailman. He delivers our mail.
Don’t be so naive. You’d never make it in the military.